- - - current mode: nega, rebel, hater bitch - - - 

Have you ever felt so low and you feel like you've nowhere to turn or to run to? And you've been daydreaming of how to commit suicide? Which is the fastest and has a lesser pain way of doing it. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, I sound like a typical rebellious, immature, virgin teenage kid. And it's so not funny.


People usually say, creative people are more prone to breaking down. They're more attached to their emotions, which explains why most writers and great artists commit suicide. I'm no great artist, nor a good writer. But my creativity is my bread and butter. And, I too, have this suicidal urge when I feel like my life's overwhelmingly tough. I breakdown. I cry. I shout and scream. I curse. I hate everyone around me, and most especially myself.

- - - current mode: still a bit lost  - - - 


Pardon me for writing these all down. 


Forgive me, Lord for even thinking this way. I just had to release it. 


I want to shake this fuckin' negativity off! 


- - - current mode: blank  - - - 

"If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner." - James Frey

Sometimes, it's best to ignore people who want to pull you down. But there always come a time when you just can't ignore it anymore. Being humans that we are, we sometimes get affected, our self-esteem shaken and we break down. So, how will you know if it's time to let your guard up and fight? And what actions do we consider to defend ourselves and at the same time avoid hurting them back? Tough call, isn't it? You want to play the game fair. But some people just play it dirty and once you snap, you're the bad guy.


So, what brought this subject up?


Let's just say I'm tired of dealing with shallow people. The ones who judge you by the way you look, the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you walk. People who look down on others, thinking they're the highest beings God has ever made. When will they ever learn we are all equal in the eyes of God. They teach that in Primary School. Well at least, during my days in school. It's just hard that we were all brought up in different ways. We should blame the parents. And the grandparents. They're the ones who hone a child. And so, until the child grows up to be the bitch that everybody hates and wants to avoid. Believe me, they're everywhere now. Whatever happened to the conservative Filipino morals... nada. I guess we just have to count on our family and friends to remind us when we're crossing the line. And hearing mass also helps a lot. Every time I hear mass, I realize things about myself that I shouldn't be doing. It helps to keep us in the right path. 


In conclusion, life isn't perfect, and so are the people we come across with, learn to understand others but know when to stand up for yourself, and above all, seek for God's guidance. Always.

It's hard to continue on a relationship that already has a crack. Because a small crack will eventually lead to bigger and uglier cracks that's even harder to conceal, which will soon most likely leave your heart... broken.

Now, getting your heart broken is inevitable. Love is like a gamble. You either win or you lose. It's up to you how to smartly play with your cards. Either give it your all and expect to receive all in return and more. Or, play it smoothly as long as you stay in the game. If you win, you're either lucky or it's really meant for you. If you lose, you're either unlucky or it's really meant to happen. Now you ask, why am I meant to lose? To regret having to gamble over love? To get hurt? Or is it because everybody else's heart has been broken so, in order for me to be able to relate to them and experience life's toll on us humans, everyone's heart should get broken once or twice, including mine? I, too, have asked that to myself a couple of times already. Every time I lose. Do I already know the answer? Well, I have a couple of theories made, which are as follows.

Why do I have to lose over love?

First theory: Because the man/woman you've been with is such an ass* but you just don't see it because you are head over heels in love with this person. You'd do anything for him/her not seeing the pain he/she has caused you. And you think to yourself, why am I being so emotional lately? Why am I so insecure? Why am I jealous of every man/woman he/she talks to... yada, yada, yada. And usually, nothing's really wrong with you. They're just born ass*es that's why you can't trust them. And they bring out the worst in you.

Second theory: Because you have to learn to leave some more for yourself. You always give everything you've got, only to find out in the end that you were not meant for each other.

Third theory: Because you deserve someone better. And that much better person coming is worth the pain.

Fourth theory: Everyone has to go through a broken-hearted phase. Because only then, you'll realize, you are able to love.

Whether these theories are true or not, I hope, they somehow helped you find an answer. If you're ready to face the consequences of love, do not fear gambling for it. If you lose, you can try again. And if you win, you'll see it's worth it.

I'm wearing my dad's necktie today. It's been awhile since I've experimented on my clothes, especially in my new job, where I'm the only rose among the thorns. The boys come in at work with very casual get-up so I don't feel the need to look artsy and fashionable anymore. I used to wear my hair really short. What was I thinking? Well, let's just say I wanted to look different... and well, okay a bit boyish. Pardon me, I am no lesbo or bisexual, I'm not into the same sex attraction thing (no offense to the 3rd sex-gen). But, I've always been fascinated with girls wearing boy's clothes and still look sexy in it.

Girls usually get away with it. I mean, girls could cut their hair short, wear jeans, boots and even wear their boyfriend's shirt with KORN or SLIPKNOT bands printed on it. They'd still get the "cool" or "fashionista" branding. Pairing them with a 4-inch high heeled boots and super-tight-jeans that show off their "ass-ets" permits them to pass the "she's not a lesbian" whispers. I know, it's fun being a girl, right? We could experiment. We could be boys even and not get hatred or discriminating stares. As for lesbians (sorry for being frank on this, just lack of words to best describe/define them). People don't really care that much seeing them act, look and dress like real men. Does this mean, 'cause they're girls too? So, they, too can get away with it? As for the guys. I mean, gays ('cause you won't catch straight men wearing a girl's outfit, duh?). The public opinion can be very cruel. I'm aware that most Filipinos are Catholics, therefore, are against homos. But that does not give us the right to judge others. I won't be a hypocrite. I sometimes wanna puke seeing men with boobs bigger than mine, or "tambay"-looking men wearing make-up and their blush-ons and velvety-red lips screaming "GAY!" I remember a friend of mine who uses the term "gay" as an adjective describing one as "weak" or a "looser", which at first I found funny, but later on, realized how brutal it seemed. Which made me think, those who's already out of the closet must have real men's courage and strength, for they don't just face how people will react to them wearing dresses and stilettos. But they also face other people's vulgar and vicious opinions of their being.

As a conclusion, we could say that androgynous fashion, for some (mostly girls, in this matter) are just a statement. A fashion experimentation. To be different. To stand out and maybe, get famous for it. But for others, it's more than just the clothes. It's who they are and who they want to be, no matter what comments thrown at them. Their androgynous style is not just about the "fashion", it's what defines them.